Publish date: 2024-03-06
Jump to: Overall Meaning ↴ Line by Line Meaning ↴So I took my medication and I poured my trauma out
On some sad-eyed middle aged man's overpriced new leather couch
And we argued about Jesus, finally found some middle ground
I said "I'm cured"
And I divvied up my anger into thirty separate parts
Keep the bad shit in my liver and the rest around my heart
I'm still angry at my parents for what their parents did to them
But I ignore things, and I move sideways
Until I forget what I felt in the first place
At the end of the day I know there are worse ways
To stay alive
'Cause everyone's growing and everyone's healthy
I'm terrified that I might never have met me
Oh, if my engine works perfect on empty
I guess I'll drive
I guess I'll drive
So I forgot my medication, fell into a manic high
Spent my savings at a Lulu, now I'm suffering in style
Why's pain so damn impatient? Ain't like it's got a place to be
Keeps rushing me
But I ignore things, and I move sideways
Until I forget what I felt in the first place
At the end of the day I know there are worse ways
To stay alive
'Cause everyone's growing and everyone's healthy
I'm terrified that I might never have met me
Oh, if my engine works perfect on empty
I guess I'll drive
And if all my life was wasted
I don't mind, I'll watch it go
Yeah, it's better to die numb
Than feel it all
Oh, if all my time was wasted
I don't mind, I'll watch it go
Yeah, it's better to die numb
Than feel it all
But I ignore things, and I move sideways
Until I forget what I felt in the first place
At the end of the day Lord knows there are worse ways
To stay alive
'Cause everyone's growing and everyone's healthy
I'm terrified that I might never have met me
Oh, if my engine works perfect on empty
I guess I'll drive
I guess I'll drive
Overall Meaning
The lyrics of Noah Kahan's Growing Sideways are deeply introspective and touch on themes of mental health, trauma, and the struggle to stay present and alive in a world that can be overwhelming. The opening lines depict the singer in therapy, taking medication and pouring out their trauma to a middle-aged man's overpriced new leather couch. Crucially, the singer finds common ground with the therapist on the topic of Jesus, completing a journey of spiritual exploration that has helped them feel "cured." The following verses deal with the singer's ongoing struggle to manage their anger, which is divided into thirty separate parts and stored in the liver and the heart. There is a recognition that this work is difficult but necessary, as the singer is still angry at their parents for what their grandparents did to them, but it is a start.
The chorus of the song speaks to the singer's tendency to ignore their feelings and move "sideways" as a coping mechanism, until they forget what they felt in the first place. This is contrasted with the idea that everyone is growing and healthy, which the singer finds terrifying, as they worry that they may never truly know themselves. The second verse details the singer's experience with manic episodes, during which they forget to take medication and spend their savings on luxury items, ultimately leading to suffering. There is a sense of frustration and impatience with pain, which is depicted as a force that keeps rushing the singer.
The bridge of the song offers a deeper reflection on the nature of existence and the meaning of a life that may have been wasted. The singer seems to suggest that it is better to die numb than to feel everything, although this may be a cynical view that comes from a place of pain. Ultimately, the song concludes with the chorus again, as the singer acknowledges that everyone is growing and healthy, even if they do not always feel that way themselves. The final lines, "if my engine works perfect on empty, I guess I'll drive," suggest a resignation to the fact that sometimes we must keep moving forward even when we feel like we have nothing left to give.
Line by Line Meaning
So I took my medication and I poured my trauma out
I opened up to a therapist and shared my mental and emotional issues
On some sad-eyed middle aged man's overpriced new leather couch
I shared my personal issues with a psychiatrist
And we argued about Jesus, finally found some middle ground
We discussed and found a common understanding after disagreeing on religion
I said "I'm cured"
I believed that sharing my problems with someone helped me find a solution
And I divvied up my anger into thirty separate parts
I compartmentalized my anger and divided it into several parts
Keep the bad shit in my liver and the rest around my heart
I stored the intense anger in my liver, while the rest remained in my heart
I'm still angry at my parents for what their parents did to them
I am still resentful towards my parents for the negative experiences they were subjected to
But it's a start
Acknowledging my anger and its origins is a step towards healing
But I ignore things, and I move sideways
I avoid confronting my problems directly and instead distract myself
Until I forget what I felt in the first place
By avoiding my feelings, I eventually forget what initially caused them
At the end of the day I know there are worse ways
I realize that even though avoidance isn't a solution, it isn't the worst way to cope
'Cause everyone's growing and everyone's healthy
Everyone is progressing and living healthily and happily
I'm terrified that I might never have met me
I fear that I may never truly know myself
Oh, if my engine works perfect on empty
If I can function without addressing my emotional needs, then I will continue to do so
I guess I'll drive
I will continue to move forward without actively addressing my issues
So i forgot my medication, fell into a manic high
I stopped taking my prescribed medication and entered a manic state
Spent my savings at a Lulu, now I'm suffering in style
I spent my money on material things and now I am struggling financially
Why's pain so damn impatient? Ain't like it's got a place to be
Pain is always present and doesn't wait for an opportune time to surface
Keeps rushing me
The pain rushes me and is difficult to manage
At the end of the day Lord knows there are worse ways
Even though avoidance is not a solution, it is not the worst way to handle my problems
And if all my life was wasted, I don't mind, I'll watch it go
Even if my life has been unfulfilling, I am content to watch it come to an end
Yeah, it's better to die numb than feel it all
Death is preferable to feeling intense emotional pain
Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
Written by: Noah Kahan
Lyrics Licensed & Provided by LyricFind
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